The cheapskates are never going to put up their own money in a real skins game. That leaves us with only one other truly compelling silly season event. And I'm going to give it away right here, a million dollar idea, to you, gentle reader.
So much has been made of Senor Pato’s predilection to light up, a positively ancient tradition in the game. Quick aside:
it was the perceptive Bobby Locke, always looking for an edge, and himself a smoker, who recognized that when he saw an opponent repeatedly light up that it was a sign things were turning decidedly in his favor. Perhaps there's a clause in the contract not to show golfers smoking ("Think of the Children!" I know of at least one who is very good at hiding.) And, I’m sure you’ve seen it – that wonderful studious snapshot in time of Hogan and Palmer at the Masters - smoking never looked cooler - which just has to be one of the true and best-selling gems of the Watts Collection.
Look, I think it’s a disgusting habit and I’ve seen friends and family taken down by the addiction, but for funzies, you could pull together a pretty good all-time match between the smokers and the non-smokers. And given that Tiger has now been taken down by a cigar-chomping Darren Clarke in the match play, and by the duck, let’s pull Philip Morris or whatever it’s now called, and all the Camel bucks it takes to bring on the only team match that matters.
Yes, Buff vs. Buffalos. The cardios against the could care less. The push-ups against the push-aways. You got Lumpy Herron. You got Daly. You got Clarke. You got Cabrera. Gary Player would naturally captain the fit team. Who to stand in on behalf of the flab? Buffalo Bill Casper himself? Patron saint Ed "Porky" Oliver (who, incidentally, should've won a U.S. Open. Long story.)
Tiger’d obviously be there for the healthy squad, of course. And there’s a slew of weight room rats who have followed suit. Who would win? Probably the team that has more fun, and, frankly, after watching the recent Ryder Cups, there’s not much doubt about which team that would be, is there? Maybe they might slip in one of those funny cigarettes to help loosen up things the next time the U.S. team bumps headfirst into expectations. My goodness, they couldn't get flax seed up their asses with a knot maul, eh? (See below.) -0-
